I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.