[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)