When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
You Might Also Like
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Never ghost your hitman.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.