Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on