“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Sniffing the broccoli
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer