The Birdles
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
my one true gender
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.