[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
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Me buying fruit and veg
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Taking phone security to the next level.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
That’s amazing.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.