The 4 stages of a family vacation
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Mad Max: Furry Road
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.