What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Watermelon Boss!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.