The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
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|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Jail
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.