[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Try and stop me.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.