My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.