Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando