I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
tinder profile where the fish is holding me