Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
That earthquake could have been an email.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark