Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol