If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me when my alarm goes off
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.