I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
never deleting this app.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Perfect
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.