My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.