A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
That’s easy for you to say
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now