I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today