“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
TRAIN’S HERE
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
April 1st is the class clown of days.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.