“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Doug is just Canadian for dog
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
#titanic
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me when my alarm goes off
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.