Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫