Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.