I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.