This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.