Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*