Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.