“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.