“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
You Might Also Like
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Butt weight. There’s more!
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.