Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.