Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.