Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You Might Also Like
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers