I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.