I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat