It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.