mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???