Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Happens to everyone.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.