I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me trying to walk in a dream
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”