It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I put the hot in psychotic.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf