HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I WON A HAM TODAY
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Wise advice
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*