If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue