FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
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There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Very good news from my accountant
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No