In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Please do it!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie