Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
lmfao
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.