You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I just ran a .003048K
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]