Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.