Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I have a type: disappointing
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.