Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My safe word is Worcestershire
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
They did not miss in the small print
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house